The Reality of a Custody Battle with a Narcissist

As an attorney, I believe understanding people is crucial to my job. Sometimes, individuals are easy to connect with from the moment I meet them. They are warm, kind, considerate, and good listeners. However, sometimes I meet someone and immediately feel uneasy about representing them—they can be difficult to talk to, disrespectful, hostile, and arrogant. In such cases, I usually decline to take on their case. Most of the time, my initial gut feeling about a client is accurate. Judges, like myself, were once attorneys. They, too, had to discern between clients they would be proud to represent and those not worth the stress. It seems easy to spot people's true colors, right? We like to believe that judges, lawyers, and the legal system can see through individuals and understand their true nature because their personalities shine brightly. Unfortunately, someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder challenges the very core that forms the basis of our ability to read the room.

Narcissism is a label that became popular years ago. However, flashback twenty years ago, I would venture to say most people had never heard the word or really understood what it meant. In the wake of the "Me Too" movement, it was only the beginning of understanding the very nature of a Narcissistic individual. However, the fundamental truth is that a vast majority of society really doesn't understand what narcissism means--yes, including the legal system. We like to throw around that word like it's candy at a Halloween parade. But let's look at the true definition of a narcissist. Personalities of true narcissism are characterized by thinking highly of oneself, needing admiration, believing others are inferior, and lacking empathy for others. However, the characterization I will be focusing on is control and manipulation. Narcissists are amazing at manipulating others to get what they want. Their whole personality seeks to control the other person and will do that at any cost. Oftentimes, that control makes them experts at controlling their own narrative and using words or actions to manipulate that narrative.

So, let's go back to what I first stated. We attorneys like to believe we can spot a controlling, difficult, and hostile person dead on. Most attorneys will state they can go to court and immediately tell you which witness is "credible" and which isn't. A great example--look at the Johnny Depp v. Amber Heard trial. You probably walked away with the opinion of who the more credible witness was, right? I bet your mind was made up, like most of that jury's, the first day Amber Heard got on that stand. She was argumentative, couldn't keep a straight story, emotional, nonsensical, and just unbelievable. On the other hand, Johnny was calm, cool, and collected. I am not using this case to state that I believe one of these individuals over the other. I did not examine every piece of evidence. However, what was most interesting about that trial was the opinions of the vast majority of people that Amber Heard just "felt" like she was lying, and Johnny Depp seemed to be the most truthful. Sure, this may have been the case with the factual evidence. However, I would guess that most people had this opinion based on how Amber behaved on the stand.

What if I told you that a victim of narcissism would behave that way on the stand? What if I told you that it was, in fact, a narcissist who is the more cool, calm, and collected witness? Yes, you read that right. Every... single... time. I will give you a great example. If I have a parent come to me who has long been a victim of a Narcissist abuser, you know how they will act? I will tell you--FED UP. They are typically hard to advise. Do you know why? They want to be heard! They have gone so long with their feelings being swept under a rug that they are more likely at trial to lash out, get overly emotional, and appear like their Narcissistic ex loves to call them. . . "crazy."

That's the point of this post. Not all judges are going to be able to read a Narcissist, and in their defense, it is very hard to. I'm sure most victims would tell you that their narcissistic ex is loved by many. Why? Well, you guessed it, they are great at manipulation. They are great at controlling the narrative. This is why my best advice to my clients who are a victim of this abuse--is to take control of their own narrative before it is too late. Take control of the case from the very start. You must watch every word you say and every move you make in a custody case. That ex will always try to push you to the ledge, and sometimes it works. Do you want to know why? A lot of people act their very best during a court battle. Sometimes, they act like an entirely different person. As frustrating as it is, I advise my clients to treat them like the new person they suddenly become. Of course, we know they are still the same person they were before those court papers were filed, but I refuse to allow my client to dive into the trap their ex is setting. I refuse to allow my clients to be pushed into the narrative that they are "crazy" or alienating parents.

One of the best tactics you can have in a custody case is to control your actions. The problem with victims is they have gone through so much emotional turmoil for sometimes years before meeting me that one of the hardest parts about a case is to co-parent. They don't think they should have to. Realistically, their ex never bothered to co-parent or be involved with the child during the marriage. Why should they allow them now? Want to know my answer? Well, it is simple: the judge hasn't lived your life. The judge gets to hear TWO sides to every story. As stated earlier, not everyone understands narcissism. Not everyone can even spot a narcissistic individual. So when it comes time for court, and there is a slew of evidence against you showing hostile messages and failing to co-parent with the other parent-are you going to risk custody of your children in the hope that the Judge will understand your actions because he can tell you have been a victim of Narcissistic abuse for years? Absolutely not.

Here is the reality about custody battles with a narcissist. They fall every time. That is why being strategic with every move you make is so important. If you want their colors to shine brightly to that judge, you have to allow them to do so, and trust me, it will come. You see, most people I deal with who have suffered from abuse do not get out a video camera every time and record it. Most of them have been gaslighted not to keep evidence, so when we go to court, it becomes a he-said/she-said scenario. If you tarnish your case with so much of your own doings, the light could shine brighter on you in court than on the true culprit.

I've heard the backlash every time I give this speech—people often say, "I have to protect my child, so I need to do what I have to do." But here's the reality: those who act on that belief often end up in front of a judge, trying to justify their actions. Most of the time, they don't get the outcome they hoped for. This isn't like the movie "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez, where the victim flees from her husband with their child and ends up facing him in the end, only to get rid of him once and for all. In real life, taking matters into your own hands could land you in jail and result in losing custody. Ignoring your attorney's advice to protect your child may backfire. You can't protect your child if you lose custody. While there are cases with overwhelming evidence, most don't have such clear-cut proof. In many cases, my clients are manipulated into deleting evidence or are hopeful that things will get better so they don't bother saving anything. Not everyone prepares for a divorce or a custody battle.

The court system will never be perfect, no matter how much you advocate, post online, or criticize it. It may feel like your attorney is not on your side when they give you advice you don't want to hear, but that's a sign that they are on your side. Instead of telling you what you want to hear just to get paid, a good attorney will tell you the hard truth and advise you based on their experience with cases like yours. Take control of the narrative in your case, even if it means acting in a way that feels fake when co-parenting with a narcissist. The reason you're doing this is to protect your children from a false narrative that could lead to losing custody. Listen to your attorney, pray, and take control of your own story.

-Presley